


When Doctor and Priest Have Failed

by Halmaithor



Series: Your Wound, My Sutures [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Advice, Immortality Issues (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Multi, Parabatai Bond, Post-Canon, is that tag only for it causing conflict? whatever lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halmaithor/pseuds/Halmaithor
Summary: ‘Your mom told me that you’re looking into a way to… stay. With Magnus.’Alec's mouth twitches halfway into a smirk. ‘Why, you think it’s a bad idea?’ he jokes weakly.‘No,’ Luke says. ‘But it’s obviously a big deal, and when it comes to one particular part of it, I’m here to offer you something I know you’d never ask.’ He pauses. ‘A chance to talk with someone who knows what it’s like to lose a parabatai.’Luke offers Alec some advice, and a perspective on what life is like when you've lost your parabatai.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Jocelyn Fairchild/Luke Garroway, Luke Garroway & Alec Lightwood, Luke Garroway & Valentine Morgenstern, Luke Garroway/Maryse Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Your Wound, My Sutures [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542370
Comments: 16
Kudos: 135





	When Doctor and Priest Have Failed

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, I am now POST-DISSERTATION :D and I am celebrating my day off today by getting some writing done. ^^ 
> 
> The title is from [this story Leo tells in the West Wing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p37L3veJzQ), about how sometimes, the perspective and help of someone who's faced a similar problem to you is invaluable. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

‘Inquisitor, Mr. Graymark is here to see you.’

Alec looks up from his desk, smiling a little as he sees the figure of Luke half-discernible behind his much smaller assistant. ‘Thanks, Hazel. Let him in.’  
They stand aside, gesturing for Luke to head in, and Alec smiles wider in greeting. ‘Hey. Didn’t know you were in town.’   
‘Prisoner transport,’ Luke explains, closing the door behind him and taking a seat. ‘They caught that Seelie who was time-traveling with Mundanes.’   
Alec feels a slight wash of relief. Time-travel cases are, in general, a nightmare, and that particular spree of incidents has been enough to start causing headaches in Idris, not just New York. He’s glad to hear it’s over before it could get _too_ out of hand. ‘Good. How’s Mom?’   
‘Good. Busy, though. She thinks the store’s in for a record month.’ Luke sits forward a little, losing something of his casual air. ‘And actually, speaking of your mom… that’s kind of why I’m here.’  
‘Is everything okay?’  
‘Everything’s fine,’ Luke reassures him. ‘But I’m here because of something she said.’ His gaze turns a little piercing, even as his expression softens. ‘She told me that you’re looking into a way to… stay. With Magnus.’

Alec nods, swallowing the breath that sticks in his throat at the magnitude of the unexpected topic. ‘Yeah. I am.’ There’s no point denying it. He’s not anywhere near ready to tell Magnus yet – not until he knows that it’s feasible – but it seemed right to give his parents and siblings a heads-up, and he’d fully expected that his mom would tell Luke.   
His mouth twitches halfway into a smirk. ‘Why, you think it’s a bad idea?’ he jokes weakly.   
‘No,’ Luke says, and he raises his eyebrows briefly, giving a small grin. ‘And you’re the stubbornest man I’ve ever met, so even if I did, it’s not like it would make a difference.’ His expression turns serious again. ‘But it’s obviously a big deal, and when it comes to one particular part of it, I’m here to offer you something I know you’d never ask.’

He pauses. ‘A chance to talk with someone who knows what it’s like to lose a parabatai.’

Alec sits up straight, feeling his eyes go wide. For a good few seconds, he can’t fathom a response to that – but suddenly, sitting at his desk feels too official for this conversation, and he walks a little dazedly over to one of the couches instead, gesturing for Luke to take the one opposite.   
He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. ‘I appreciate it,’ he starts. ‘I know it’s a… difficult subject.’   
Luke quirks an eyebrow. ‘Understatement,’ he says, smirking a little.   
Alec nods, not quite able to return the smile. ‘And obviously, it’s a factor I’ve considered.’ He huffs a laugh, though it’s not really out of humor, and his eyes stray down and to his left. ‘Not sure I’ve got a _question_ for you, though. Nothing specific.’   
‘I think you do,’ Luke says, calmly. Alec looks up once more, sees the patient, even expression on Luke’s face. ‘I think you’re just looking for the right way to ask it. Which doesn’t exist, by the way. So you might as well just ask me outright.’

And because he’s right, Alec relents. ‘Does it get better?’ he asks, trying not to let his voice shrink into his nervousness. ‘I know what it feels like to lose him – and it was one of the worst days of my life, even though it only lasted a matter of minutes. It was like…’  
‘…Like you were an empty shell,’ Luke finishes, and Alec nods. ‘Because once the pain faded, you were just hollow.’   
‘Yeah,’ Alec says. ‘And I’m not saying that that’s a deal-breaker,’ he adds. ‘Maybe it should be, but it’s not. Because as scared as I am of living for centuries like that, I’m more scared of the alternative.’ He swallows. ‘But I have to know; does it get better?’

Luke looks at him consideringly, and then he nods. ‘It does,’ he says, and Alec feels his shoulders drop a good few inches. ‘I’m not gonna lie to you, Alec – they tell you losing a parabatai is the worst pain you can feel, and they tell you that for a reason. And on the worst days, you’ll swear you can still feel it.’   
He smiles. ‘But the worst days get further apart over time. And you know what they _don’t_ tell you?’ He sits forward, clasping his hands in front of him. ‘That losing a parabatai isn’t the only way you lose a part of yourself,’ he says seriously. ‘It happens pretty much any time you lose someone you love.’ He sighs, looking away. ‘I miss him sometimes,’ he confesses. ‘Not who he was at the end, obviously. But who he used to be, before he got so corrupted. And it’s a pain you never quite get used to.’ He meets Alec’s gaze again. ‘But – except for on the worst days – it’s not so different to how I feel when I think of Jocelyn. Or when I thought we lost Clary.’

Alec nods slowly, understanding settling quietly into his mind. ‘I don’t wanna lose my family,’ he says quietly. ‘But he’s my family too. And he’s lost enough.’   
‘I know,’ Luke says. ‘One thing, though?’ He waits for Alec to nod again before continuing. ‘Whatever you decide, make sure it’s what _you_ want,’ he implores. ‘Because as much as you wanna stay for Magnus, this is too big a choice to make purely for another person.’   
And a part of Alec wants to disagree, wants to declare that he’d do _anything_ for his husband, consequences to himself be damned. But these days, he knows that his single-minded devotion isn’t the smartest part of him – so instead, he promises, ‘I will,’ and Luke leans back in his seat with a nod, apparently satisfied. ‘Thank you,’ Alec adds.

He stands up, shaking off the heavy conversation, and tries to find a smile. ‘You got time for a cup of coffee before you head back?’ he asks.   
‘Sure,’ Luke says, getting to his feet as well, and returning the smile as he claps Alec on the shoulder. ‘Lead the way.’

Fifteen minutes later, they’re sitting in a café right next to Alec’s building, drinking cappuccinos and making much smaller talk. All in all, Luke ends up staying in Alicante for another hour or so.

His words replay in Alec’s head for a lot longer than that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Do let me know what you thought. 
> 
> [Find me on tumblr: silver-latin-and-salt :)](https://silver-latin-and-salt.tumblr.com/)


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